I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
