Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
