Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
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WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy