When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to