my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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