i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
