Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
