White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
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Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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