Plan B is the new Plan A
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
