if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
