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1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Farmville is her only friend.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
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