My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
