Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
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