my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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