Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
