I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
