I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Randomize
