i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
