Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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