if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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