I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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