I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
