I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
