so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I deserve this hangover.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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