I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
