she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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