i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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