i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
