I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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