You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Randomize
