time to smoke my breakfast
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
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i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
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he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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