My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i love accidental penises.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
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