What did we do last night that was yellow?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
