I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
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