Please don't use social media to get back at me.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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