I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
