My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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