I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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