he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I have already put on my inside pants.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
