I didn't shave. On purpose
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
