I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
