i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
