I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
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