Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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