dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
