i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
