Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
