I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
