I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
