Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
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