You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
