I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
