Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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