In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
even my farts smell like vagina
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
