dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
