I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You may now shotgun with the bride
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
