Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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