Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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