Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
