my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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