my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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