every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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