So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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