Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
