he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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